If you only knew

So i don’t know how many people do, but i my self battle with depression. It comes and goes and its always different every time. I find that most of the time lately My meds arn’t working and i end up thinking about suicide more often than not. Every time i hear of someone i know that has killed them self or tried to, i am instantly jealous of the guts that they had that i don’t. I mean i have the means to do it and more than enough time and will… I just can’t do it because I care more for what those around me want than what i want.. I wont do it for fear of what will happen to them once i’m gone. I’ve come to the point where i feel like my life has already ended and i’m just muddling through every day as best as i can in the empty shell that is left of me. I don’t feel like i’m meant to be here.. come to think of it i never have.. not that i wasn’t supposed to be born, but that my time here is just meant to be over. I hate having to be medicated just to feel any sort of anything… And the meds.. they don’t keep these thoughts or feelings at bay.. Momentary happiness is not enough for me… but it’s what i’m stuck with.. Until im finally brave enough to do something for me.. 

I haven’t had sex in a looooong time, and i refrain from touching my self cause it’s to time consuming… I can’t be normal.

What do you do when your very best fiend in the whole wide world is in an extremely unhealthy relationship and she just cant see it? i’m talking really unhealthy.. she works, and he collects un employment because he’d rather not find a job and on pay day he essentially takes her money. He doesn’t let her leave his house to hang out with her friends and on the rare occasion that he does, he is constantly texting her and her friends phones yelling at her. He calls her every bad name in the book… “fucking dirty smut” is his favorite. He’s gotten physical with her before.. On the 29th of december i watched him pin her to the ground and punch her in the face, after pushing her repeatedly. I thought for sure she would be done with him after that.. a last straw sort of deal.. But low and behold they are back together again.. I love her, she’s my best friend.. How can i help her.. she deserves so much more..